Modesty Blaise - Peter O'Donnell

When I was a kid, there was only one kick-ass babe to serve as a role model, and that was Wonderwoman. These days I seem to be armpit-deep in Buffies and Laras and Trinities, all exhorting me to express myself via the spinning kick. If I didn't have to earn a living, I would spend a couple of years on a women's studies PHD*, on an academic quest to find the very first kick-ass babe. One contender for the title would be Modesty Blaise.



Before reading the book, I had assumed that Modesty was some kind of cowgirl, but she is in fact an ex-international-jewel-thief-turned-secret-agent. She is of course fantastically beautiful as well as having her own, somewhat unrealistic fighting style. Modesty would fit in very well with our current Nuts culture in which stripping and feminism seem to have become confused, as her clothes come off pretty regularly. One of her preferred moves is "The Nailer", which consists of getting her nawks out and then taking advantage of the surprise this causes. Hilarious, but only a male author would think hand-to-hand fighting with unrestrained hooters was a good idea.

Modesty also comes equipped with Willie Garvin, her surprisingly likable right hand man. Willie is a cockney ex-criminal and in many other books in the "silly thriller" category would just have been a generic forelock-tugging representative of the lower orders. However, it soon becomes clear that he lays on the "apples and pears, guv'nor" stuff because it suits him to have the toffs write him off as an idiot.

Modesty's prefered weapon is also absolutely cool as... well, too cool for corroborative nouns. She favours the yawara, a tiny, handbag-sized blunt instrument. I was so impressed I considered making one for a bit, then decided that any hard object which will stick out a bit from your fist (phone, pen, hairbrush, cutlery) could be used the same way, without the legal implications of having a purpose-built weapon.

I can see myself searching Abe for the rest of the Modesty Blaise books, now. The only thing that can touch them in terms of adventure coupled with high camp is the Saint books. And would Simon Templar ever distract the guards by dropping his kecks, then take them on in unarmed combat with his tackle swinging about? He would not.

*Yeah, I'm well aware of the irony that only kept women have the time to pursue academic feminism. Nevermind, I'm living the dream instead.

Great Apes - Will Self

Will Self is a love him or hate him kind of author. I've loved his short stories ever since I read "Grey Area" back when I was a student. I think that his deliberately overblown writing style is well-suited to the short form and becomes wearing if you have to read more than 10 pages of it. I had previously read "How the Dead Live" and didn't rate it much. I thought that the premise that when you die you just have to move to an unfashionable part of London was a good idea for a short story which had been padded out to novel length. And then there's his use of deliberately obscure words. There are 2 ways to go about reading anything by Self. The first is to have his book in one hand and the dictionary in the other. The second is just to assume that any words you don't know are probably rude. You won't go far wrong with this second approach.

Simon Dykes is an annoying Young British Artist happily spending his time getting wasted with his YBA mates and having unsuccessful attemts at drug-fuelled sex with his almost-entirely worthless girlfriend Sarah. One morning he wakes up to find that Sarah has turned int a chimpanzee... so has he... and so has everyone else in the world. Screaming and raving, Simon is sectioned and meets the notorious Dr Busner (a recurring character from some of Self's short stories) who makes it his mission to help Simon come to terms with his "chimpunity" at least partially because there might be a TV series in it for him.


One of the first things you cannot help but notice about chimps is their upsetting backsides which looks as if they’ve had a rectal prolapse. This is not glossed over, but dwelt upon with loving attention to detail. The chimp characters admire one another's floppy pink arse bits. In fact the phrase, "I revere your anal scrag" is used by the subservient chimps to suck up to the alphas. The whole book is pretty much obsessed with the wrong end of chimps. And with perineums. Most of us can g0 hours (actually, maybe months) without thinking about our perineums, but Will can only manage a few pages - it's a compulsion! I complained to a friend about it and he suggested that Mr Self's obsession is because he doesn't have a perineum himself. We think he has just one hole for everything, like birds do.

Anyway, back at the book, the apes represent everything about humans that we try to pretend we don't do, from indiscriminate public rutting, to hurting one another to enforce the pecking order, to picking horrible things out of their bum cracks. Apparently, this is satire. I just wish it was shorter satire! The quote on the front describes "Great Apes" as "Prodigiously original and very funny". I think I would have chosen the words "long" and "scatological" instead. As a short story writer, I revere Will Self's anal scrag, but there is a limit to the number pages I want to read about ape arses.

Don't go to Sedbergh...

I am sure that "Sedbergh" means something nasty in The Meaning of Liff, and whatever it is, the place probably deserves it.

Sedbergh is supposed to be a "book town" in the style of Hay-On-Wye, although it only has 4 bookshops and one of them was closed when I visited. It was full of confused tourists wondering about, looking in the windows of closed shops (this was on a saturday). Like Budleigh Salterton, the place looks like it could use a short, sharp lesson in capitalism.

Of the three bookshops I could enter, all but one seemed to deal exclusively in musty hardbacks about Victorian cricketers.

I tried to make the best of Sedbergh by finding a cafe to sit and read the book I had with me. Alas, I was kicked out when the cafe shut at only 4pm! The pre-teen serving closed the cafe in the face of American tourists wanting traditional English tea and cake. Do the Yorkshire folk have no idea of economics?

Anyway, that's Sedbergh. I've been so that you don't have to.

On Finishing the Takeshi Kovacs Trilogy...

Altered Carbon won the Philip K Dick Award in 2003, and it was a well-deserved win indeed!

It's a science fiction detective story (love a bit of crossover, me!) and also a kind of noir pastiche - it always seems to be night in the city and raining. One of the central ideas of the series is that a throughout their life a person's consciousness is continually backed up to a small storage device at the base of the skull, the “cortical stack”. The first consequence of this is that death is not necessarily permanent. For example, after being gunned down following some kind of botched criminal activity, Takeshi Kovacs wakes up in the rather used body of a Policeman, to find that a millionaire has paid to have him downloaded from the giant prison hard disk on which his data had been residing. The millionaire took his own head off with a plasma weapon a couple of days ago and had to have his last off-site backup downloaded into one of his spare bodies. Although it appears that no-one else could possibly have committed the crime he refuses to believe that he would ever kill himself (even temporarily) and has hired Kovacs as detective and enforcer, to find his murderer.

Takeshi Kovacs is a man with a past, or more accurately a whole heap of them. Until recently, he served in the Envoy Corps, the most feared soldiers anywhere in the “Protectorate” of human worlds. In this version of the future faster than light travel is not a possibility, but FTL communications are. This means that if you don't want to end up in a “Forever War” situation, you can send digitised humans to wherever you want to deploy your forces, download them into specially-built combat bodies. The Envoys are trained to deal with finding yourself on a new planet, wearing a new body with people shooting at you. As well as being trained in practical things like shooting and killing, they are also trained to observe, recall, learn to fit in and infiltrate. As a result they are so mistrusted that ex-Envoys are barred from nearly all positions of any power or responsibility in civilian life.

I think the reader can appreciate that when Kovacs works out who has been pulling his strings on Earth and why, he's going to embark on an ass-kicking spree of epic proportions.

How good was this book? It was so good that by the time I was half-way through, I was having nightmares about my time in the Envoy Corps. It was so good that I slightly resented the other two books in the trilogy for not being Altered Carbon (a bit of an own goal for Mr Morgan, that).

Broken Angels

I was rather sad to see that after playing detective Takeshi Kovacs is now back to killing people for money, serving with “The Wedge” (feared, but nothing like so much as the Envoys) in the civil war on Sanction IV.

By the time the book begins he's desperate to extricate himself from the war by any means possible. He is approached by a pilot and a younng archeologist who claim to have discovered some sort of portal leading directly to a fleet of abandonned Martian spaceships. Never mind the intellectual excitement of alien technology, the salvage on that lot has to be worth enough get the hell out Sanction IV! So a crack team is assembled by sorting through a bucket load of cortical stacks found on the battlefield, looking for special ops personnel with the right qualities for a spot of extra curricular speed-archeology. Getting to the Martian fleet before anyone else isn't going to be easy, especially since the area containing the portal is now full of illegal, experimental nano-tech wepons...

I felt that Broken Angels lacked a lot of the style of Altered Carbon, but it was enjoyable enough. The bad-ass spacemarine Wedge Commander aggrieved at the defection of his pet Envoy makes a fitting end-of-level baddie for the big fight at the end. And we get to find out more about the mysterious Martian artifacts left hanging about which humanity as used to jump-start their colonization of other planets, 2001-style.

At the start of Woken Furies, Kovacs is now killing for fun rather than profit, attempting to slowly wipe out the entire priest caste of the religion that killed his ex-girlfriend, Sarah. While running from the law in a damaged synthetic body he falls in with deComs, teams of mercenaries hired to decommission the 300 year-old weaponry which has been cluttering up his home planet since the Quellist uprising known as the Unsettlement. One of his new deCom friends has an unfortunate mental problem in that she appears to be sharing her head with someone who claims to be the long-dead revolutionary leader, Quellcrest Falconer. (Like Communism, Quellism has some excellent slogans and quotations, one of my favourites being, “When they ask how I died, tell them: Still angry.”).

Once again, it was nothing like as good as Altered Carbon, but “Woken Furies” still inspired me to vote Quellist at the local elections on May 1st.

While reading this trilogy, I had some logical problems with the cortical stack - why would the state pay for everyone to get one? Especially when the Protectorate is Uber-capitalist in all other ways. When do you fit one? Can the very young be killed off completely? Humans being what they are (and they do not seem to have become any less violent in Morgan's future) I suspect that the invention of the cortical stack would be followed pretty swiftly by the invention of some stack-frying EMP weapons.

On the whole, I was rather surprised to find that I like Takeshi Kovacs much more when he's being nice. Maybe I'm getting soft in my old age... I understand the concept of the flawed hero, and I totally get the premise that we can have a lot more tension in the story with a rather amoral lead charater, 'cos we never really know which way he'll go. Unfortunately, the downside of this is that if I don't really like the hero, I don't really care if he's properly killed, "stack irretrievable" or not. Sorry Tak!

Richard Morgan won this year's Arthur C Clarke Award (http://www.clarkeaward.com/) with “Black Man”. Llet's hope this means a return to Altered Carbon standards!